Liminal spaces / The answer is always both

Over the past year, I have been existing in liminal spaces—spaces of time between “what was” and “what’s next.” I guess this is because it was almost exactly a year ago that I had the inkling to leave Australia, the place that did not feel liminal; the place that felt and still feels like home. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made. I remember crying to my mom on the phone saying I just knew it was time, even though I could feel the resistance in every bone of my body. It meant saying goodbye to my partner and his beautiful son—my little best friend—as well as the land that had held me for the past three years, and all the rest of my chosen family in the southern hemisphere. But to be clear, of course much of what drew me back Stateside was my blood family who I was missing after more than two years away.

Gratefully I chose to listen to that tiny sliver of light coming from my heart. The whisper telling me it was all going to be okay, despite knowing that this choice would come with a lot of pain and diving to depths I hadn’t yet gone. So I left. Cue the airport goodbye…a special kind of ache that comes with a physical separation of two hearts in love. Especially with the added element of not knowing when we’d be seeing each other next, or what was to happen during the time in-between. I deeply cherish our ability to let our love be free, without too much attachment to a specific outcome. Allowing the space for our souls to expand and journey, together or apart. Knowing that this serves the bigger Love, beyond two individuals; the Love of creation and life-force that flows through everything and everyone.

…But that’s easier said than done for our sensitive human selves. When it’s a matter of the heart, you dance the line between surrender and putting forth effort/action into that heartfelt desire. For me this looked like keeping the flame of the connection alive. It meant being very vulnerable and speaking to what I wanted, while at the same time surrendering to the fact of “if it’s meant to be, it already is,” and releasing control. It meant that the answer was Both. I would choose myself and listen to my own heart, AND I would hold the vision for what I also wanted, which was and still is this love between my partner Francisco and I. Yikes, it still feels tender and vulnerable to share although it simply is my truth.

I am infinitely grateful for the support I receive from him…the encouragement to travel and explore, the celebration for my adventures, and the solidity in presence and love. I recognize how rare this kind of relationship is. Best friends support each other, we said. No matter what. So this is how we have been navigating a rather large physical distance and still remaining connected, perhaps closer than ever before. Another paradox—the more space that’s allowed, the deeper the intimacy that can be created. As always, I write all this with the same sense of surrender to what will be. It’s sort of like a love-story that I’d enjoy reading about in books, and nobody yet knows the ending (ever, of anything). I embrace the fact that I am a romantic at heart.

Which leads me to my current present moment, a thriving romance all of its own. In the middle of the Pacific Ocean, overlooking a lush, dripping jungle valley that cradles you like a baby. There’s a crystal clear river down below; waterfalls and volcanic rocks and mermaid pools all within a 30-second walk from my bedroom.

Each day here exists in a realm of magic. This may sound dramatic or over- exaggerated but honestly, it is absolute heaven, and it found me as much as I found it. When you become devoted to listening to your heart’s intuition (more to come on how I’ve been cultivating this skill)… you will find yourself in such places. I truly believe that each of us are connected to Lands that ask to be touched by our hands, listened to and learned from. Perhaps very specific places meant just for you. It doesn’t need to be an island in the middle of the ocean, but I’m certainly grateful that Mama Maui spoke to me.

For those wondering how I’m living in such a place, how I got here, and what I’m even doing, I will explain to the best of my ability (Does anyone really know what they’re doing though…? Let me know..)

In short, I’m staying on a property doing a work exchange, meaning in exchange for ~18 hours per week helping on the land, on the aina, I have a room rent-free. This also means eating from the land (starfruit, bananas, papayas, citrus, avocados, ulu, lilikoi, garden veggies, the list goes on and on). Weekly work may look like managing citrus orchards, resetting garden beds, clearing terraces, or harvesting tropical flowers for the market, my personal favorite task. And anything that allows me to practice my skills with the machete. Nothing makes me feel as badass as swinging a machete does.

This opportunity came through a word-of-mouth connection, shout-out to my hometown homie Evan. We are both passionate about feeding the world and living the embodiment of what you wish to see more of. Everything fell into place so seamlessly, with minimal effort exerted. I even became instant best-friends with the only other work-exchanger on this property, Dayvis. We are sisters from another life and every day we’re crying of laughter. That’s how you know you’re doing it right. You’re riding that wave of surrender and inspired action. It should never feel forced.

Here, I am present. Here, I am living out what feels like my soul’s purpose, as I was in Australia, as I was on the mainland…that is to be in right relationship with the lands of this Earth. Fully soaking up everything I can, the sweet nectar of an ancient island, knowing that this too is a liminal space. Now I am understanding more about how liminal, temporary spaces in which one exists can also become Home. These spaces can and should be grounded into. I can create a sanctuary here on Maui— or in Chicago, or North Carolina, or wherever I find myself to be; despite the number of days or months I plan to spend there. AND, I can hold my heart’s desire for partnership, a devotion to Love, and a knowing that I can and will “settle down” in the right timing (although, with us, it would theoretically be a three-country dynamic; Portugal, America and Australia, and I’m very much open to this adventure).

The answer is Both. Our fabric of reality is held together by the wild paradoxes that are inescapable and what make life so much fun. Despite the darkness that exists in this dimension of duality…Please never forget my friends…we are allowed to have fun. We’re here to express our joy, our gratitude, our sensuality. We should be running around naked whenever possible; a radical reclamation of our freedom, feeling the sun and wind on our bare skin (here I’m able to do this every day). The Earth celebrates with us. We’re both spirit and matter, we live mundane and magical lives, and of course we experience the full spectrum of human emotion. We can enjoy being independent and devoted to another heart. Adaptable and shape-shifting creatures*.

So, that’s the story of my present moment. There’s a lot of aliveness and beauty, and a lot of unknowns and emotional rollercoaster rides. I hope that the Love inspires you. I pray that you can find your own unique balance of the Boths of life. And I will keep you all updated, on my little part of the ride that we’re all on together.

*Gabi Abrao says this in the most beautiful way in her book Notes on Shapeshifting. It is a big inspiration and I highly recommend.